Cass Dive Journaling
1-17-2019 So in and out of the dive I kept writing in my journal and then typed it all out to keep for myself. This GIFT PROCESS IS AMAZING!!!!!! My Inner Being gave me a scenario first and then I begin to understand how this all started as a small little girl!
1-17-2019 Writing in my journal conversing back and forth with my Inner Being….. sort of in another zone…just writing and I typed it here as I wrote it there…
Imagine being a tiny small child who is bothered, agitated, upset… emotionally, physically, mentally by things like: really bright lights (like at a mall, a concert, in some school rooms), strong smells (like some cooking, perfumes people wear, highly scented soaps or clothes rinse, fragrances in incense or candles for example), incredible pain ( from small injuries, dentists, taking blood for example), loud noises (sirens, loud concerts, blaring music), large numbers of people (big party, shopping at malls, visiting friends in an apartment building, all the kids at your school and in a classroom), get overwhelmed easily if confused or someone is watching you do something ( like for a test at school, driving test, etc,.). You cannot stand.. “any kind of violence at all!” It simply freaks you out! See parents fighting, see it in the news or a movie, and have nightmares sometimes for weeks! never understanding why? You go crazy if people around you (like parents or siblings or friends ) are yelling at each other. Sometimes you believe it’s your fault because of your sensitivity! Imagine you startle easily, cry sometimes uncontrollably without knowing why, and you cannot stop instantly. Imagine people yell at you often things like: ”You don’t have to be so Sensitive!!! Why are you so sensitive about this!! What is wrong with you? You just need to get tougher like other people! I don’t know anyone who is so bothered by so many things like you are!!”
Now imagine, you have NO idea yourself “what is bothering you!!” You are a tiny child in the beginning! You know you are agitated, in pain, emotionally upset, however, you have NO Idea at all…..why? That …. it’s the lights, smells, sound, violence and so on!! As a child, you just feel upset, agitated, aggravated, stressed and really cannot identify “what” is creating these feelings and experiences inside you! And of course, all those around you, especially your parents and siblings, have no idea either back in the early 50’s!! (That is why this woman wrote the book, The Highly Sensitive Person and made a documentary, “Sensitive: The Untold Story.” Only 15-20% of the human population and the same percentages of animals and insects too.) So your family and friends, teachers are constantly UPSET and FRUSTRATED not knowing how to please you or how to make you feel more comfortable! Neither do you! When asked, you have no answers to your discomfort, pain, overwhelm. You merely felt very uncomfortable, sad, agitated, frustrated, overwhelmed, or experienced more pain physically than the average person. You felt weak, stupid, and that people did not want you around!
So long story short, I am shown……I built walls around my body with my weight to try and protect myself. I tried and succeeded in shutting down my ability to “Feel” and numbed myself out, just in order to survive and be able to live with people around me who could not stand who I was and how I experienced certain things in my life. I attempted to Hide my Authenticity/my Essence because it was not welcomed or accepted by hardly anyone, except a rare understanding teacher now and then. (Three teachers in high school allowed me to retake tests after school because “they knew” I was smart and just overwhelmed taking tests! ) I assumed most things were “my fault!” I blamed myself for upsetting other people in any way. I was responsible when people around me were fighting or angry. I believed I helped create my fathers psoriasis and bursitis and his drinking when he was in too much pain about them! It was MY fault!! BOTTOM LINE: Nothing I do every works out for me! I cannot do anything right! Even when I try, it most often fails! No one understands me, not even today! I can never be myself, because people like me are not wanted, welcomed or accepted! I have to always be on guard in order to not upset or create frustrations in other people.
Even recently, I force myself to tolerate some things in order to fit in. Several friends recommended the movie Avatar and loving nature as I do, told me it would be my “favorite movie ever!” So I went to see it and….I nearly, truly, wanted to die in the theater when they chopped down the Home Tree!!!!! And so many beautiful people and creatures were savagely killed. It was a tremendously violent, emotionally traumatizing movie…”for me!” I kept waiting for the “good parts” people told me about. For them, they talked about the blue people’s connection with nature, and …..it was all about “the good guys winning” ….and the loss of life, the Home Tree and all the rest did not seem to matter to them… I found out later.
THIS ISSUE… MY being a Highly Sensitive Person and having experienced these things from the very beginning of my life, has Shaped and Fashioned everything I have done and experienced. My entire FOCUS in life has been learning to BE an Unconditionally Loving Person of course! Someone who could LOVE MYSELF the way I am!! And Everyone Else and Everything Else around me, understanding from my Own Personal Journey, that they too might be experiencing life in ways I might never understand and that no longer matters. I only need Love & Accept them, as they are, here and now, even if doing horrendous things. I can still love someone without conditions, even though I don’t like or approve of what they do. Love is what can help them heal, not my judgment or hate or frustration. Love is the answer FOR MYSELF…and is what, I realize now, Saved My Life and kept me here on this planet!! That is why I have always been so FOCUSED on unconditional love and seeing people through the eyes of Source/All That Is!! Wow wow wow!!!