I remember how much I used to not like …
raw fish smoked salmon
I remember how much I used to not like raw fish. My father returned from Japan eating raw fish and raw eggs. Sometimes I would gag just at the thought of it. I loved the delicate crispy fried tempura, eating vegetables I would hate in other ways, just keep that uncooked, cold, raw dead fishy out of my mouth! How can you eat cold slimy stuff like that I pondered, feeling that gaging reflex in my throat. Uggh! I watched my father swallow his raw egg from a little glass and I wanted to run to the bathroom and barf as if I was doing it myself. I was only about 8 or 9 years old! The thought alone made me sick and watching was even worse.
I remember the night at the restaurant when he forced me to take a taste. Just a little bite, he coaxed me. He told me I would never know what I might be missing if I did not taste it first, like he did over in Japan. He thought he would hate it too, and he loved it. So I put that cold, raw, slimy, shiny piece of red tuna on my tongue. Wow it almost melted. It was different than I had imagined, especially with a little soy sauce on it. I liked it! In fact I loved it. Later my father would decide he might not have made such a wise choice in forcing me to taste it. Whenever we went to a Japanese restaurant, I wanted Sashimi, as it is called, the most expensive thing on the menu. I would order just what I liked best and even do so today. My favorite is called a rainbow roll which is five or six different kinds of raw fish, all rolled side by side interspersed with some avocado and shrimp. It is almost too beautiful to eat and yet I do so anyway!!
when I think of this moment of bliss I remember how Julie is one of the most magical inspiring teachers i know it does not matter the mood I am in what just happened in my morning or my day Julie’s heart transforms me she keeps prodding me to write she inspires me to write she encourages me, pulls me along screaming and complaining with my endless line of but I have to do this first …. she is in my heart some days she lives there reminding me personally of what my life is about like hers yet she lives her and I allow mine to wallow in the moments become fallow stuck unused abused with putting my work first and my love last what does that say for someone who might be a partner me desiring a new love in my life perhaps when I put this love first of all then my other loves will stand a chance of making their presence more well known i continue to be drawn back to where I need to be with the patience of this incredible woman I wish I could shower her with millions of dollars for the richness she continues to sprinkle back into my life when I take time to write For writing alone has brought more wealth into my life than anything I have ever ever done and I wish I could give something back in kind more tangible perhaps than my gratitude
When I consider my writing as purposeful I will write … all the many stories my soul longs to tell, the suggestions, ideas, dreams, plans, untapped love, simmering molten vibrating sparkles of awe and wonder waiting to burn themselves permanently onto the page so I would remember and take action upon them. When I am looking at my writing, I will be sharing my deep passion for nature and taking a bath in her womb, refreshing myself with her wisdom, clearing my clutter from my body mind and spirit. When my writing is purposeful, my soul will be dancing its wisdom and wonder in letters across the page and I will be drinking from this cup of writing which nourishes my life and guides me into my days and years more fully present to them. When I consider my writing purposeful, my hand will become the hand of god pouring itself onto the page, into my life, seeping into every cell of my being, on all levels of my being and my life will become the inspired actions I am taking. I will melt deeply into Oneness as the illusion of separation totally disappears and I am living the life I came here to live, passionately and purposefully alive, free, authentic. My writing is my life and when I take time to face it, it sings loud praises for being here and now and hearing the calling of my name. It sings of praises of love without conditions for it knows me and my song better than I know myself. It is in my writing my bare and naked, raw clear fresh crispness can grow and flourish and be born anew, every letter dripping with the vibrancy of spirit of goddess unleashing itself into a world hungry for her presence.
Today I will choose to stay the course because…
I have chosen to BECOME who I truly am, a Woman! I have just learned why I have been so stuck since a child and possibly even before that, back to the Middle Ages, when some 9 million women were killed just for being themselves and nothing more. Just for being loving, caring, nurturing healers. Just for living connected to nature, loving life, themselves, their children and families. Women were killed and tortured, beaten for blessing and gracing the world with their feminine attributes and so we became more like men in order to survive and not be killed.
I choose to stay the course because THE WORLD needs me! The world is falling apart, being torn apart by men and women living from that adrenalin fight or flight point of view! We can see it in our sports where we now use words like annihilate and crush. Of course this exists on the battlefield as well, where young men have to be brain washed into hating their enemy so they can actually kill men, women and children merely because they see life in a different way than they do. Even in business now competition becomes ruthless and we must defeat our competition, overcome them, crush them and so on and so on ad nauseum!!
I choose to stay the course because I NEED AND WANT A NEW WORLD TO LIVE IN and I begin by BEING THE CHANGE I wish to see! I am a Woman. I am strong when I Relax, Surrender, become One with my moments. When I am Calm and Grounded and Centered nothing can knock me over!! As a woman I give Birth to my Business and love and nurture my creation into fullness as I would my beloved child!! When I relax and am truly grounded my power comes from within and I can then handle any stress which comes along, as it does in raising children. I am more congruent with who “I” truly am without the need to compete with men or even other women. I want us all to succeed! I celebrate all our successes. I don’t compete with my sisters, I cheer for them!!
My power is probably even greater than a man’s. I can be strong in the middle of a storm of chaos. I can and have been relaxed in the middle of a serious and challenging moment, surrendering into my wisdom and doing what needs to get done without fear and worry and doubt creeping in. Without needing to wrestle anything down as a man is more inclined to do. I use oxytocin to achieve my goals, the parasympathetic system, not the adrenalin which often shuts it down.
Recently I told a friend about his phone kept ringing and he angrily told me he would take care of it later and hung up on his cell. My intuition kicked in and I violated an agreement and called the number back. There was an emergency and someone was attempting to get hold of him from the hospital and did not have his cell phone number. Later he called to thank me.
Today I will stay the course because I AM REBIRTHING MYSELF back into who I truly am. No more attempting to be as good as men, comparing myself to men and other women, striving to force myself into molds into which I will never ever fit!! I am totally RELAXING and Surrendering back into my true nature. I will HONOR those women who died. I will again claim my loving, nurturing, caring, compassionate nature. I will stand tall and strong and grounded in knowing my power is from within and no one can shake it away ever again! I am here on behalf of Mother Earth, Nature, Plants, Animals, Insects, and my beautiful Brothers and Sisters around the world seeking a better life. One in which we All have our desires met! One in which we take into consideration All of our Actions and how they might impact all of creation, not just what exists in front of us here and now.
Today I choose to stay the course because I am creating New World, one small step at a time as the POWERFUL WOMAN I know know myself to be. Most classes today, most books, most diets are coming from the male perspective and have been for generations. No pain no gain .. Just do it! … You can create a million dollars in 3 months! I did! We can beat them!! The results are really not bringing greater love, joy, health, peace and abundance to life all around us, quite the opposite is true. I am choosing to be Me, to be Authentic and to bring the world back HOME where it belongs in Harmony and Balance with its Environment. I will not defeat men. I will hold their hands, look deeply into their eyes and remind them who they truly are deep inside. I will enroll them in a new challenge. The greatest challenge they have ever faced! Learning to love themselves as they are, without the need to make anyone feel less, or to beat someone else, or to defeat someone else. To shake hand with “the enemy” and find the gifts they can truly bring into their lives! We are all One family of Human Beings and when we realize that, we can work together to create MAGIC unseen or even contemplated before in this place and time. The time is now and I am ready for the game!!
Hurray for ME. Hurray for each of us playing our part Authentically and Powerfully!
© Morgine Jurdan October 25, 2010
MY AMAZING DAY!! Day 12 Taking RISKS! The RESULTS of my Survey!!
I am in a 30 Day Class with Michael Neill … Creating The Impossible and my Goal is a new lifetime relationship with my ideal man. We get audio lessons every day …
At first I could not wrap my mind about the assignment for Day 12 and how to fit it into a Day of Shopping in town (I go shopping one day a week and run all our errands due to the fact we live so far away.) and be on the hourly calls at the top of each hour, and have it apply to my Impossible goal of attracting a life long male partner. It fit into business and producing a book or record and not to this. So I went inside and meditated. I received an answer and was quite scared to be honest.
Approach strangers, men you do not know, and ask them these questions. What are two things do you appreciate most about women and what two things confuse you, irritate you or you simply do not understand? Just the thought made me almost wish my car’s battery was dead again! Yet my car worked fine and since I had asked for guidance, I felt I had to take action in some way, even if I just asked one man.
Well by the end of the day I had approached about 12 men in the vitamin store, grocery store, restaurant, and Goodwill! It often took me about 15 minutes of shopping, or eating lunch before I could actually talk myself into asking my questions! One man had been single for so long he said it would take a minute to contemplate them. He was upset by women who did not appreciate physical affection in public. I told him that was definitely not me and would he like a hug? He did and I have him a big hug. He told me it had been so so long since he had been hugged I truly truly just made his day!! I learned a great deal during this process about men and myself! I would say about half the men had no trouble appreciating women and had a much harder time finding things they did not like!
The men ranged in age from about 25 to about 68 or so I would guess. The oldest man answered with questions about sexuality. While I was afraid to approach them, I only had one shy man refuse. So here are the results of my survey! If I heard the answer more than once I put an X behind it.
What two things you appreciate Most about women?
Sense of Humor
Future Sightedness… have visions ..looking to the future
Passion about “something”!
Respect a Man for being a Man!
Can “process” things well
Just Leap into action
Are just Beautiful
Ability to Have Children
Being .. “the other half” or like that piece of a puzzle that fits in.
Make a man “feel” like he is in charge even when she really is.
I love the way a woman can ensnare me with her charms, and leave me helplessly numb trying to figure out what goes on in that secret garden of hers. I enjoy the “game.”
Women are sometimes better in touch with their feminine sides than men are.
Any Two things you don’t appreciate or like, or confuses you about women?
Too much talk and not enough action
Absence of communication
Lack of honesty
Not Being Approachable
Having a Hidden Agenda
Have to have everything your way.
Making some particular food they know we hate and then keep asking us how we like it!
Women that cheat
Abusive to children
Continual ….Doubting …Apologetic ….
Driving skills … theirs and being a “back seat driver”
Deprecating ourselves … not being in our power.
Self Critical Nature
Overly concerned with make up and those kinds of things.
Giving Credence to other people’s concern over their own guidance.
Don’t like physical affection in public.
Reorganizing things all the time.
Never satisfied with what they have …always wanting more
Not living up to the way they say they should be in the world.
No straight answers
Women are so often “asexual” … we don’t know if you (women) are open and inviting us in or don’t want attention. We have to guess!
Women do not let us know what they want sexually and instead let us makes fools of ourselves because they will not tell us what they like or want!
Women don’t have Strength! (He said we do and yet some women don’t own this part.
Sense of helplessness
I find that women often expects things of their spouses, that they are not willing to “deliver” . Have had a hard time shifting their minds from Victim mindset to.. owner. They keep blaming stuff outside them for… well, everything.
“If you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.” I choose I trust
Yesterday I chose to trust my inner guidance, despite all the mind frick to the contrary. Despite all the fears which kept bubbling up telling me to quit. Despite the tightness in my jaw and face and overtaking my body. I just kept breathing. I asked and God answered saying I could do this!! Sometimes I would go about my shopping for fifteen minutes before retracing my steps to find a man and ask him the questions! I would freeze and breathe and freeze and breathe. I kept telling myself, the worst he could do would be to say no! That didn’t seem to help me much. I just had to keep breathing A LOT! I risked the No and received many yeses yesterday and grew as a woman into more deeply understanding men! By the end of the day I had asked about 12 men and had only one shy one turn away. I amazed myself!
I choose to be in this 30 day program with an impossible goal, creating a new lasting relationship in 30 days!! It was a risk. It seemed impossible. I was asked to ask for support at least 100 times. What with this goal??? Ask my friends! They will think it is ridiculous too! What will they think? I don’t know! I risked exposure. I became vulnerable. I asked again and again and again … 107 times to be exact. I asked men and women. I asked people who are good friends and some who are only slight friends. I held my breath and could hardly exhale until the next morning!! By now 46 people have replied and most with ideas and suggestions and encouragement!
I chose something I wanted and it was risky, very risky. There is more chance of failing than succeeding with such a goal. There is more uncertainty than getting 5 new clients or writing 50 pages of your book! Yet Sheila was right, this was the juiciest goal I could pick for these 30 days and I did. I post on the forum and bare my soul! I share and share despite my fears! I am doing it, one little step at a time!! I am I am I am!!!
I secretly write because.… it saves my life pure and simple …. i write because it is like breathing to me, like eating … a few years ago Jerry stepped away from me by inner guidance .. I trusted his guidance although I did not understand it at the time.. We were happy, making love daily, and rarely arguing. However, we trusted his inner guidance.
I thought i was totally loving and yet I had issues around jealousy and abandonment . I had no money for therapy or coaching or anything at all. There were so many different times I wanted to die and let go of life. I would write out all my confusion, my frustration again and again and again. I was surprised the pages did not ignite on fire some days there was so much pain it is impossible to describe. I allowed my inner child to rant and rave at me, at my parents and sister, about being molested. My writing has saved my life and saved my therapy for decades.
I secretly write to communicate with God, my guides, others who have passed, to find answers, to know myself better, to learn to love me and embrace and find where I am not doing this, to communicate with other parts of my older, younger, future, angry, happy, depressed. I write to connect with nature and animals and hear their messages which tear me open wider and deeper every day. I write to know myself, to share myself, to become more vulnerable and open to myself and others. I write to allow myself to be naked and share my raw with all my feelings holding nothing back
What I truly want to write today is finishing my book. Part of me would love to just quit all these classes and reading and drive to the beach for a week and get my friggin book finished about how to live a happy fulfilling life from animals and nature’s point of view. Just finish it instead of talking about it for five years. I wonder how many wonderful things I might miss if I did that? Would my life stop or stand still? Our house could burn down or I could be hospitalized, or be sick or, or, or… So I truly want to finish this book …Voices of Nature Calling Us Home
And I also would like to finish writing my book about animal shelters and how to improve them. I used to have pages of writing about that, lost now, about all the ways I could think of to create shelters which are MAGNETIC to people… people are attracted to shelters because they are such fun places to visit with music and pictures and all sorts of wonderful things!! I need to get this done
And I truly want to get my blog finished and writing each week, many days a week and just share what is up in this moment and just share all the thoughts and ideas which come up for me endlessly and often get caught up in my mind like one huge gigantic log jam! I love to write daily and it would be grate to just share somewhere even if not many read it. The right person can read it every day in ways which might transform them and I am always changed myself by what I write!
I like my writing and how it allows me to flow myself onto the pages with letters and words sometimes sharing my inner most feelings and desires. It is like a river flowing to me and through me, always present whenever I tune in and align with its loving embrace, carrying me along for as long as I desire to swim in its graceful fragrant waters.
I like my loving for the sake of loving and the deep joy this brings. It is like a ribbon of rainbows infusing my life as I choose to see the brilliance living inside everyone here and now. The colors vibrate joyously reminding me to breathe and see every person as they are in this beautiful rare moment we are together, always changing and transforming, with no past attachments. We are dancing in the clarity of a refreshing rain, washing anything that was away and being fully present with what is here right now, glowing with the grace of the divine and the miracle of life itself!
I like my love and appreciation of nature and it is like a never ending spring of love, nourishment, clarity, joy, inspiration and more. When I am in nature I feel immersed in love, I feel nourished and refreshed. I gain clarity and am often inspired after being confused and frustrated. It is like a magic tunnel of love in which I am always transformed into something brighter, clearer and more loving.
I like my connection to source, to God and All That Is for it is like an unconditional loving mirror in my life, always reminding me of my unique beauty, my many gifts, my overall magnificence and the treasure I truly am to the universe and to life itself. It sings with a clarity unlike anything else and speaks with a love I can hear regardless of where I am, if I just breathe deeply and listen.
My secret of life is … breathing in life more fully in every moment. Pausing to breathe in the moment and whatever I am doing more fully, more completely, using all my senses. Feel my fingers floating across the keyboard, smelling my warm oatmeal with its rising maple wafting through the air. Drawing in the greens of nature outside my window and inhaling their love, their quiet wisdom, their serenity. Noticing the gentle pulsating rhythms of my little brown dog Cedar laying between my feet, toes sticking out of my compression socks, cradling her and rubbing her tummy. My secret to life is living life here and now, tasting my food, savoring the love which surrounds me, feeling the softness of my clothes, appreciating the comfort of my black chair. Being grateful for all the incredible amazing magic my computer offers me, connecting me with a universe I may never visit in person and yet can feel love for, and be intimate with, in different ways. Breathing in each moment, allows me to be present to the magic which is so alive in every precious moment when I am alive and awake to it.